Knowing When to Stop

I mentioned in the previous post about my friend who is staying with me while she recovers from her hospital stay. She's been a source of concern for a while now and this illness has reinforced to all of her friends and family that it's really not in her best interest to be living alone on her farm taking care of her two horses. However, she doesn't see it that way.

She's 73 yo and has always been independent and taken care of herself. She raised her 2 kids pretty much on her own. While 73 yo is still young in a lot of ways, she's been on a decline for the last couple of years. Part of it we thought was due to injuries--she's had a string of them. A fall from her horse which resulted in 4 broken ribs. Then she fell and broke her shoulder. Then a pallet fell on her leg and tore a large gash from her leg. Last summer was a melanoma on her leg. It's been one thing after another and each one has taken longer and longer for her to recover from. Plus, there have been signs of confusion.

The condition of her horses when they came here was not the perfect condition that she normally keeps them in. They were both thin, ratty coats. Nothing horrible, but not up to the standards she normally keeps. It was pretty clear that she has not been up to maintaining their condition.

While she's been here, it's become apparent that she can handle the routine, familiar things. She measure out the grain and supplements for her horses because she's been doing it for years. However, the grain for my horses--even though Jeeves gets the same pellets as her horses--is beyond her. There are only 2 "grain" bags in the chest freezer that I store the grain in--the pellets and the Forage Extender that Lance gets. The pellets are in a black bag. The Forage Extender is in a white bag with blue lettering. The bag does not say Forage Extender on it, but most people are able to figure out that since the black bag is the pellers, the blu bag must be the Forage Extender. She is just not capable of coming to this conclusion.

She will have someone come daily to muck the stalls and help with any of the heavy stuff, but she is intent on doing feedings and turnouts/bringing in. Can she do it? Sure. Can she do it well? No. She will wear herself out again and will probably be back in the hospital within the year. However, they're her horses, she's considered a competent adult, so it's her choice to make.

I find it amazing that, considering how high her standards of care used to be and given the evidence of her horses's general decline in condition, she refuses to consider any alternatives to their care. Are they neglected? No. Suffering? No. But, they are noticeably ribby. One of the horse's hooves were bad enough that he was slightly footsore. Had it gone on longer, he would soon have become lamer. Her horses have always leaned towards the plump side. She is worried about why they're so thin. She was horrified at the state of her horse's hooves. But, she's not making the connection that it's because she's not able to maintain them anymore.

The ideal would be for her to move to a condo/apartment near a boarding facility or near me and keep the horses here. She's actually gained enough strength and balance back that I think she could actually do some light riding again, but certainly not all alone on her farm. If she were here, I could be around and help her ride. She could come and brush them and do basic care like she is doing now, while not wearing herself out with the other stuff. But she will not consider it. She believes she has at least 3 or 4 more years of living on her farm caring for the horses. :-(

Her friends and family are trying to set things up so that she can live there as safely as possible. But, when does helping become enabling? I will go by and check on the horse's condition--remind her about worming, etc. Another friend has been going by every couple of weeks for the last 2 years to drop hay for her. Is continueing to do this helping? Or enabling? The woman she has do stalls basically is doing it as a charity--she normally charges $25/hour, but she's only been charging her $15 for the whole barn. Is this helping? Or enabling? I have decided I will not help other than checking on the horses condition occasionally. She and the horses will always be welcome here, but if she thinks she can do it on her own, then she needs to do it on her own. And, she should be paying the going rate for barn work. But, maybe I'm just being hardnosed.

It's a lesson for me, to see this. I already have decided that Jeeves will probably be my last horse. I turned 50 this year, he turned 15. Hopefully, he'll have another good 10+ years, that will put me in my 60s. Do I really want to be wearing myself out doing barn work in my 60s and into my 70s? No. There will always be horses for me to lease and/or take lessons on. Already, the time and energy of maintaining the farm on my own takes it's toll on me--physically, financially, and emotionally. I enjoy it and love having the horses in my back yard, but there are times it can get overwhelming. Seeing what my friend is going through, what she's putting her friends and family through, and what she's putting her horses through only reinforces my decision.

Bad Blogger

I've been a very bad blogger. I guess I don't really qualify as a blogger at all. I have lots of excuses...

First, my usual excuse--work was taking too much time and energy. Since I wasn't riding much through the winter, I wasn't inspired much to blog about anything back then.

Then, my personal computer died. My company has installed all sorts of tracking software, so I couldn't do anything on my work computer, so that left me with no personal computer access while I tried to fix my old computer, then agonized over whether to get a Mac or a PC. A new computer was definately not in my budget this year, but, such is life.

Then, we had so much rain and flooding back in March that Jeeves's stall was flooding...alot. I was carting 4 or 5 wheelbarrows full of heavy, wet, bedding out of his stall several times a day. It didn't take long for my back to go out. So, when I wasn't working, walking dogs, mucking out stalls, I was lying flat on my back on the floor. Not much chance of doing any blogging in that position.

Then, during all that a dear friend got sick. I ended up taking her two older TB geldings while she was in the hospital. The girls have moved up to Vermont on a big farm where they are out with a herd of 2 yos learning about herd etiquette. When my friend was released from the hospital, she came here for recuperation. She's still here, getting better, gaining strength every day.

Finally, my older brother, really the only family I have left, is bent on drinking himself to death. :-( It started last autumn when he was laid off work. Apparently, without a job, he had nothing else to do but drink. He has been spiralling out of control since then. He spent over a month in the hospital, 22 days of that in ICU. For awhile, we thought he might have to spend the rest of his life (he's 55 yo) in a locked psych ward. :-( Miraculously, he recovered enough that he was released from the hospital last Monday. He should have gone directly to a 90-day, in-house substance abuse recover program, but he refused. Said he wanted to find a day program, despite the doctors all saying he NEEDS to be in a residential program.

He managed to keep it together long enough to walk his daughter down the aisle at her wedding on Friday (yes, poor kid had to deal with this crap while preparing for her wedding). He was not allowed at the reception. But, yesterday, he pushed his wife over so that he could get his car keys (he's not supposed to drive, per doctor's orders. He's still not "normal") and he went and bought 3 quarts of vodka. The police did come and take his car keys. At this point, I told him that I am through. IF and when he decides that he needs help and agrees to go into an in-house program I will gladly pick him up and take him there. But, until then he is dead to me. His son has done the same. I told his wife she should do the same. He will just push her around again and take her car keys if she stays with him.

So, I'm done. I've lost too many days of work and too many days of riding and too many days in my garden to the lost cause that he has become. It breaks my heart, but there is nothing more that I can do for him. He has to do it.

There's more, these were just the highlights.

As is always the case, my animals, especially Jeeves, have been my solace and my sanity through all this. For now, I'll just share these pics of Jeeves and me.