I mentioned in the previous post about my friend who is staying with me while she recovers from her hospital stay. She's been a source of concern for a while now and this illness has reinforced to all of her friends and family that it's really not in her best interest to be living alone on her farm taking care of her two horses. However, she doesn't see it that way.
She's 73 yo and has always been independent and taken care of herself. She raised her 2 kids pretty much on her own. While 73 yo is still young in a lot of ways, she's been on a decline for the last couple of years. Part of it we thought was due to injuries--she's had a string of them. A fall from her horse which resulted in 4 broken ribs. Then she fell and broke her shoulder. Then a pallet fell on her leg and tore a large gash from her leg. Last summer was a melanoma on her leg. It's been one thing after another and each one has taken longer and longer for her to recover from. Plus, there have been signs of confusion.
The condition of her horses when they came here was not the perfect condition that she normally keeps them in. They were both thin, ratty coats. Nothing horrible, but not up to the standards she normally keeps. It was pretty clear that she has not been up to maintaining their condition.
While she's been here, it's become apparent that she can handle the routine, familiar things. She measure out the grain and supplements for her horses because she's been doing it for years. However, the grain for my horses--even though Jeeves gets the same pellets as her horses--is beyond her. There are only 2 "grain" bags in the chest freezer that I store the grain in--the pellets and the Forage Extender that Lance gets. The pellets are in a black bag. The Forage Extender is in a white bag with blue lettering. The bag does not say Forage Extender on it, but most people are able to figure out that since the black bag is the pellers, the blu bag must be the Forage Extender. She is just not capable of coming to this conclusion.
She will have someone come daily to muck the stalls and help with any of the heavy stuff, but she is intent on doing feedings and turnouts/bringing in. Can she do it? Sure. Can she do it well? No. She will wear herself out again and will probably be back in the hospital within the year. However, they're her horses, she's considered a competent adult, so it's her choice to make.
I find it amazing that, considering how high her standards of care used to be and given the evidence of her horses's general decline in condition, she refuses to consider any alternatives to their care. Are they neglected? No. Suffering? No. But, they are noticeably ribby. One of the horse's hooves were bad enough that he was slightly footsore. Had it gone on longer, he would soon have become lamer. Her horses have always leaned towards the plump side. She is worried about why they're so thin. She was horrified at the state of her horse's hooves. But, she's not making the connection that it's because she's not able to maintain them anymore.
The ideal would be for her to move to a condo/apartment near a boarding facility or near me and keep the horses here. She's actually gained enough strength and balance back that I think she could actually do some light riding again, but certainly not all alone on her farm. If she were here, I could be around and help her ride. She could come and brush them and do basic care like she is doing now, while not wearing herself out with the other stuff. But she will not consider it. She believes she has at least 3 or 4 more years of living on her farm caring for the horses. :-(
Her friends and family are trying to set things up so that she can live there as safely as possible. But, when does helping become enabling? I will go by and check on the horse's condition--remind her about worming, etc. Another friend has been going by every couple of weeks for the last 2 years to drop hay for her. Is continueing to do this helping? Or enabling? The woman she has do stalls basically is doing it as a charity--she normally charges $25/hour, but she's only been charging her $15 for the whole barn. Is this helping? Or enabling? I have decided I will not help other than checking on the horses condition occasionally. She and the horses will always be welcome here, but if she thinks she can do it on her own, then she needs to do it on her own. And, she should be paying the going rate for barn work. But, maybe I'm just being hardnosed.
It's a lesson for me, to see this. I already have decided that Jeeves will probably be my last horse. I turned 50 this year, he turned 15. Hopefully, he'll have another good 10+ years, that will put me in my 60s. Do I really want to be wearing myself out doing barn work in my 60s and into my 70s? No. There will always be horses for me to lease and/or take lessons on. Already, the time and energy of maintaining the farm on my own takes it's toll on me--physically, financially, and emotionally. I enjoy it and love having the horses in my back yard, but there are times it can get overwhelming. Seeing what my friend is going through, what she's putting her friends and family through, and what she's putting her horses through only reinforces my decision.
6 comments:
This is a tough one, when to know when you are truly helping or enabling the situation to continue. Seems you are on the right track. Her family needs to weigh in for her (legally if nothing else) and the horse people need to weigh in on the creatures who may be suffering and cannot speak for themselves.
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It's a tough question. What happens when she gets hurt again? What if there is no one around to send for help. Even though the horses are not really suffering, they could be better off.I think she's being stubborn and in denial and doesn't want to lose her horses and freedom to be with them. But you are being more than generous to offer her your barn and your help. I hope she realizes it's too much for her and gets the condo and still has time to spend with her horses. Maybe her family will step in and put their foot down for her own safety and her horses welfare. Hope it all works out for the best.
She won't listen to anyone. She's being very selfish, is what it is. No, the horses are not really suffering, but definately could be healthier and happier. Her younger TB is much more relaxed here than he is at her farm.
I feel really badly for her daughter, who has to pick up the pieces when she gets sick/hurt. She lives out of state, so it's hard.
How can her daugher "put her foot down"? My friend tells her to butt out and mind her own da%^ business. She can't be forced to move against her will. If we really push it, we risk alienating her, which could make things worse all around.
It's a tough situation, and I just hope that I age more gracefully. ;-)
Tough, tough situation. :/
It's true that having a farm is a lot of work, and horsekeeping requires a certain amount of "brainpower" to carry out, because of the changing needs of horses and the domino plop that can happen if there's something wrong that isn't addressed in a timely way.
I wonder too how all this will play out in my own life. Fortunately, my husband is 10 years younger than me, my daughter is a horsewoman in the making, and my son, although not currently riding, does know how to ride and knows how to manage horses.
Hopefully they can intervene as needed should I hit a state of both decline and lack of insight into my own decline...
There is a semi-local breeder who has gotten older and crazily continued breeding - and while she has the money to pay for help, she at one point had 40+ horses living on her farm (fortunately she has huge acreage and their life was quite good) - some of which were 7,8,9 years old with no training at all.
A few young trainers were hired to help her get some of these horses backed and sold, but they all ended up quitting b/c she was so wishy-washy about everything. A number of folks were concerned that should something happen to her, there was this HUGE herd of horses that would have to be placed - big and beautiful but completely untrained.
I know when my grandmother went into a rest home at age 90, my mom practically had to crowbar her out of her house. The final straw was when my mom showed up to check on her at home (which she did 3-4x/week) and my grandma had just chopped down a HUGE dying tree in her back yard.
Successfully, but my mom was horrified - what if it had fallen on her? My grandma hated the rest home initially but then loved it for about six months - then she began to decline and she died at age 91.
I'm not sure if she was in decline when she went or if life in the rest home hastened things. It's tough. Her personality was such that it would have been hard for her to move in with my mom - or anyone - but it was clear she was past the point of managing her life alone.
Sorry so long - what a great post that provokes MANY things to think about.
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I've been thinking about a lot of these issues recently myself. I have 5 horses, and I'm in my late 50s and I can see that taking care of them isn't getting any easier. I've also been dealing (from 1000) miles away with the care of my elderly parents - my mother died two years ago in her mid-80s and my dad just turned 87. Getting them to accept the care they need is very difficult.
Answers to these issues are not easy - I think if people start to have symptoms of mental issues - possibly dementia - their ability to think rationally is compromised - all of us have trouble giving up attachments but if you can't think clearly it must be even harder.
I've been trying to plan a bit better so that my horses will get the care they need as I age and can do less work, and so that I don't leave my children in the same situation as my parents left me. I've recently decided to send 2 of my horses to a very fine retirement facility - it was a hard decision but necessary.
Just found your blog, thanks to Grey Horse - thank you for your thoughtful post.
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